‘Do you mean you can find out the answer to it? Said the March Hare.
‘Exactly so,’ said Alice.
‘Then you should say what you mean,’ the March Hare went on.
In her new world, Alice in Wonderland found things almost made sense but not quite. It was a tiring, fractious place. When she played croquet, the balls were live hedgehogs which tended to wander off. Players all played at once, without waiting for turns, fighting for the hedgehogs. All the time on the side-lines, the Queen was threatening to execute people.
The confusion, fear and rejection of basic logic made it hard for Alice to keep up and she became extremely bemused and bad tempered. Listening to the news in the morning is increasingly like being pitched down into a world that no longer makes any recognisable sense.
At the start of May it was reported that two RNLI volunteers, remember those doughty sea-going national heroes? had been sacked over mugs adorned with images of naked women. The men from the Whitby station in North Yorkshire exchanged jokey Christmas gifts, which included a mug with a picture of a naked woman on it with a woman crew member’s face superimposed on.
A female superior cried, ‘Off with their heads!’ when she found the mugs in a cupboard. Joe Winspear and Ben Laws were dismissed. Navigator Steve Boocock, helmsman Martyn Cairns and trainees Neil Cook and Simon Rhodes walked out in protest.
‘The mugs were just banter, a bit of fun. One of the sacked men served 15 years. He’s saved people’s lives and recovered those who were not so lucky. He should be given a medal, not his marching orders, said a life-boat man, who had to remain anonymous for fear of getting the chop too.
‘Two of the crew are women and told the managers that they were not offended,’ he said. ‘It’s overkill by the RNLI.’
Initially, Winspear and Laws were told that if the mugs were destroyed they would face no further action. But in March, when not just hares go mad, bosses told them they had breached safeguarding protocol, as the mugs in the cupboard might have been seen by visiting schoolchildren. Both volunteers were dismissed in a phone call.
The RNLI told the Sun, ‘The investigation focused on the production of inappropriate material of a sexual nature and social media activity directed at an RNLI staff member. This was not a trivial matter.’
In Wonderland nothing is trivial and looking at tarts rather than stealing them is now as good as a capital offence.
The next bit of news from down the rabbit hole, featured people changed beyond recognition, not made tiny or extra- large from eating mushrooms or cakes labelled, ‘Eat Me,’ but changing from men to women, regardless of their chromosomes, by a simple act of will.
Last September at Speaker’s Corner in Hyde Park, where people, mainly tourists, used to meet to enjoy an emblematic display of free-speech, Tara Wolf, 26, a man who now identifies as a woman, punched Maria MacLachlan, 61, in the face causing her to drop her camera which smashed.
He attacked the elderly woman because she had said that a man cannot just choose to be women.
In court last month, Ms MacLachlan was warned by the judge to refer to her attacker as ‘She’ or she would be in contempt of court.
At Hendon Magistrates court, District Judge Kenneth Grant told Wolf: ‘I find this is a case of low culpability and low harm.’
He ordered the pretty blonde man in a woman’s hat to pay a fine of £150 and £30 to his victim to help with the cost of the camera, which cost £120. Also, prosecution costs of £250.
‘No, no!’ said the Queen. ‘Sentence first – verdict afterwards.’
‘Stuff and nonsense!’ said Alice loudly.
From now on a fully- grown man can attack an elderly woman and plead that he is also a woman and so get off with a lighter sentence. Soon we will have men dressed as women attacking genuine women almost with impunity, and heterosexual men attacking transgender men, but in court they will be accused of attacking women.
At the end of the case, Dr Julia Long, who gave evidence for MacLachlan, shouted into her phone, ‘The man is guilty. Guilty of male violence!’
She was lucky not to be arrested, but the new Gender Recognition Act making it illegal to criticise men who ‘self-declares’ as female, without any medical tests, hasn’t yet become law. It’s still under consultation, passionately supported by Jeremy Corbyn and The Tory government.
‘Off with her head!’ the Queen shouted. But Alice was safe as the whole court around her suddenly turned into a pack of cards which flew into the air. It had all just been a bad dream on a hot day. Lucky Alice, for the rest of us there is no waking up from this strange new world and its proliferating nonsense.
Buy our quarterly paper or digital magazine. Prices from as little as £10 a year