For far too long our wonderful young people have been the victims of scandalous prejudice on the part of the educational establishment which inexplicably favours students who are intelligent, knowledgeable and industrious. This reactionary policy constantly discriminates against those of our wonderful young people who are ignorant, idle and thick. I have been gathering first-hand testimonies from some of these casualties: those vulnerable oiks and morons who, through no fault of their own, are being denied the opportunity to spend three years hanging around getting innocently pissed and stoned as a prelude to their achieving a pretty piece of parchment and years of debt.
I went to speak with some of our wonderful young people. Dallas was clearly disappointed: “So absolutely, I was like hoping for a place at the Harry Potter Academy to do like telly soaps with rap and hairdressing, Then I was like downgraded right and I had to settle for particle physics and logical positivism at Trinity College Cambridge innit?”
Then there was Landry who was looking forward to three years at The John Lennon School of Nasal Noises leading to an honours degree in make-up with prosthetics for performance fashion but, “I could only get in St Andrew’s wiv’ English littrichur. I mean like it’s not fair not no how. We azter read books like what wiv words in ‘em and that.”
But the rot starts even before our wonderful young people even leave school where they are obliged to do maths. Orion was hopping mad because he had been awarded a D. “So I mean like absolutely I said 7+ 5 = 41. An’ d’you know what they sed? They sed it’s 12. Well, it’s like it might be 12 for some people but uvvers cum from a community wot ‘as a different culture like and they ‘as their own like ideas dunt they?”
Orion’s teacher shared his disappointment: “The rigid system is class-based, sexist and racist. Underprivileged and vulnerable wonderful young people are being denied self-expression and their human right to say that 7 + 5 = whatever they say it is in their community and ethnic group. Cultural relativism. Know what I mean?”
The careers teacher at St Polyphemus’ Secondary added their voice to the collective outrage: “It’s like it’s so elitist. Incredible. Whatever happened to mediocrity? Why do we have to put up with this incredible intolerance towards genuine stupidity? Everybody has like a right to their own opinion. The exam boards are like Fascists. Incredible!”
Then I met Clotho crying into her bean salad after her history exam: “S’not fair! I’ve done lots and lots and lots and lots of work on all the reelly reelly important people in history, like Gloria Steinem, Harriet Tubman, Rosa Parks, Malcolm X and Madonna. Then like we got Napoleon, Julius Caesar and Alexander the Great. Dunno wot was great about him. Not even a question about Diana. Incredible!
Clotho was sitting next to her friend Vyella straight out of the RE exam: “It was horrible and my sister Ammonia was like well I’m gone, Clotho. I mean Ammonia’s a neo-vegan Zoroastrian with only slight cannibalistic tendencies. Then we got all this about God saying there’s stuff we shouldn’t do, commandments and that. Why is God so judgemental? And so up Himself with this like no other gods but me. Has He never like heard of diversity? He’s probably a She anyway. So Sexist. Incredible
STOP PRESS The Education Secretary has been put in detention.